Butter Muncher

I will never be a lard ass. Yet I may end up a butter arse. I adore it. And especially the standard salted kind that's most common in the UK. Unsalted is fine for cooking, but it just don't cut it on bread, or for that matter crumpets, crackers, muffins, malt loaf, toast, potatoes, carrots... Here in Germany there are two common sorts of butter: unsalted and gesäuert. That latter kind has a mild yoghurty taste that's fine, but no replacement for salted. However I've found this, which seems widely available in Lidl and just about rings true to what you'd more likely get at home.

Prost! German drinking customs Part 2

Here are a few more need-to-knows about getting merry auf deutsch.

• A strange deposit: Very often in clubs and other public places, your drink or rather its vessel, will carry what’s called a “Pfand” or deposit. Sometime this is also accompanied by a token or even just a ripped up piece of paper. What this means is when you pay for your drink, you’ll pay a Pfand on the bottle/glass, which you’ll then need to return to the bar to either reclaim or swap for another drink. Uh? Hey presto – no need for glass collectors and malingering glassware. When you’re done drinking, just return to the bar with your last bottle/glass and token and ask for “Pfand zurück bitte”.

• Dear beer: When paying a drinks bill, whatever you do when you hand over a note DO NOT say “danke”. We British are brainwashed into uttering pleasantries at every juncture, going round gobbling “thank you” “no, thank you” like turkeys. If you say “danke” then you can kiss goodbye to any change you were hoping to get from that 50. If you want to tip, then just round it up to a nice number and say “zwanzig” or whatever as you hand over your cash. If you really do want them to keep the change have in mind this phrase “Stimmt's so”. But bite your tongue on the bitte.

• Sip'n'Split: Also when paying a drinks and/or food bill you have the option of paying together or separately “zusammen oder getrennt”. You’ll frequently be asked anyway, and if not just state your preference. Unlike the UK, the waiter/ess will not look at you like you’ve asked to see photos of their mum in the bath. It’s a basic of customer service here, and best of all – they do the maths. Maybe the phrase “going Dutch” is actually a corruption of “going Deutsch”. It couldn’t be simpler here.   

Prost! German drinking customs Part 1

The Germans love their beer. Don’t let anyone blah-blah you with ‘it’s only the British that drink to get drunk’. Quatsch (rubbish). It’s only the British that drink to get drunk to start a fight. Here, beer’s available everywhere and at any time of day or night. It would seem every Germany is only seconds away from a beer; it's their yin, the Wurst their yang. So unsurprisingly, there’s a few do’s and don’ts that you need observe if you’re going to do it their way.   

• Make Löwen(brau) not war: Don’t start a fight once drunk.

• Gucken in die Augen: when there’s a toast (Prost!) be sure to look each and every person in the eye as you chink glasses/gesture your glass in their direction. And be obviou about it. You will be reviled if you don’t. Seriously! You will be told in no uncertain terms that you’ve transgressed the very laws of nature and offended every generation of their family back to the amoeba.

• Wait for it… Cheers (Prost!) is much more common and frequent here than in the UK. If the drinking’s just beginning - say first round of drinks in a bar, or everyone’s just been poured a drink at the dinner table - it’s polite to wait until everyone has a drink before you start chugging at your own bevy. I’m really, really bad at this, and have to sit on my hands rolling my eyes in mortal anguish seeing before me a drink I can’t yet drink. But wait for the inevitable “Prost!” before starting. What a pain, eh?

• Bier Bahn: Drinking in public and on public transport is fine. It’s actively encouraged (by way of preventing drink driving). It is categorically not chavy to enjoy a bottle of lager on the U-Bahn. The highest to the lowest do it. 

Viel Vergnügen! (enjoy!)

Seriously cold

To make a popsicle that's 80% water 20% fruit, mix together, put it in the freezer at -12c…what will happen? It’ll freeze. Great! Take an indie popsicle that's 80% water, 20% heat-sucking skinny jeans, canvas shoes, a cotton jacket and put in a -12c Berlin winter…what will happen? It’ll freeze. And we’re talking literally here. A chemistry teacher once told me that every atom in the universe is trying to find its lowest state of energy, which is why things cool and slow down. And this means everyone and everything in the universe with no exceptions. Thermals are needed not nerdy. Take the cold very seriously or you’ll end up the wrong side of cool.  

Won't you stay a while...?

Finding somewhere to stay in Berlin is pretty easy given the oversupply of places and the trusting nature of people here. I'll deal with hostels in another post, but for those wanting to stay for a few weeks or a few months then you'll want something a bit more stable, private and most of all cheap.

There's a big ex-pat community here, and that's where your best chance is of getting something short-term, as often it seems people go off travelling or back to their home country for extended periods. Best of all for me was craigs lists which has the added advantage of being mainly in English (as it started in the States). You may also want to try reading or posting an ad in the main ex-pat magazine, Exberliner. It's free, s0 why not. Toytown Germany is a mine of information and also carries a few ads.

Now be careful, as there are people on there taking the piss with their prices, and it's best have a clear idea about what's good value and what's not. You should expect to pay a bit of a premium for the freedom of not being bound by a contract. However not too much. Any Berliner will be able to tell you if it's a stupid price for the room size/location. Cheapest is to get a shared flat (a WG) that's inclusive of most bills ("Warm" as they say), but sometimes a 2 room flat isn't much more if you want privacy.

This is another great site for what are generally longer term rentals. It imaginatively called WG Gesucht (see what they did there?). Because of the way you can sort ads by area, it gave me a good idea about what costs what, where. Don't be surprised to find a lack of pictures, which is a massive frustration. People: cameras are now ubiquitous - use them!

Room The First

This is the room I'm staying in for my first week. I got it from craigslist and it's costing me 25 euro per night. A room in a dorm is about 18 euro. I figure for the extra 7 euro I get the luxury of not sharing with 3 loudmouth Australians who want to rape anything with size 7 shoes and below. And an internet connection that doesn't cost as much per hour as a round of drinks in Norway.

As you can see it has a slight shabby-chic that was perfectly clean. Even though I did have concerns about the cat...when it tried to crawl into my bed. It hadn't even asked for a kiss yet. Clearly French, like the owners of the flat. There's also a little collection of vintage Barbies in the kitchen. Or should that be kitsch-en?! (Oh wow, aren't I the wit?!?!) 

One criticism I have, and this is as much my attitude problem as theirs - but I feel as though I'm intruding on their lives. Which I am, but I'm paying for them to suffer me being there. Still, it's quiet, warm and I love the area. Shops, shops, shops!   

lol - i watn 2 seexy u

The 15kg Challenge

How to solve a problem like Maria? Easy, compared to how pare down a life to the 15kg Ryanair baggage allowance. They are viciously strict and it's currently £12 per kg if you're over. Two pairs of jeans, a heavy sweater, a change of underwear and you're already tipping the scales. Being a self-confessed clothes horse, imagine my distress at having to leave just about everything behind. Yes, there was much gnashing of teeth and tears before take-off. And that was only deciding which belts to bring. Here are my top tips for making the best of a bad bag. 

• Only take what you really, really need. Books, electrical equipment can be sent fairly cheaply. I used pacel2go.com and sent across about 20kg of "stuff" (including my computer) for about £35. It took just 3 days (and no damage).
• Don't take anything that's not actually practical for the season. If it's gonna be -10 outside, you really won't get much used out of your favourite mandles. 
• Don't bother with too much underwear. Just buy more when you arrive. 
• Ditch all toiletries. Berlin has fantastic Boots-type shops every 3 inches. Or, if it has to be Boots, wait until you're past security at the airport and then go mad. You can then take whatever you need as hand luggage (I had about 3kg of odds and sods, I kid you not). 
• Be ruthless. Pick favourites and betray old friends. 
• If you have any, check the weight of the bag on bathroom scales. If you can't see the dial, do the math (you holding bag minus your weight). They can be very tight, and I have personal experience of them telling me I need to make my bag lighter. If you've no one with you, that may mean chucking stuff away at the airport.  
• Coats and jackets are heavy. Wear as many as possible, and deal with looking ridiculous. This is not a fashion show. It's war.
• When checking in sus out which of the lovely Ryanair staff looks happiest. A happy person is sometimes a kind person. An unhappy person is never kind. I managed to slip an extra 1.5kg past the nice lady because she was clearly having a nice day at work. She's probably now been sacked for wearing that smile. 
• Be discrete about your hand luggage, mine weighed a bomb (ho ho). I left mine in the car whilst I checked in as I didn't want to draw attention to my ruse. 
• Finally, if someone has given you a lift to the airport, ask them to wait whilst you check in. That way, if they do spit the dummy, you can calmly decant a few items into a bag and give them to your lift to send on or pick up later.