Win don't bin

A normal, average human being living in Berlin gets through bottles of beer like a parrot gets through sunflower seeds. Even with a swimming pool sized kitchen, you'll soon be wading through bottles like a moorhen with the misfortune to be born by the Manchester ship canal.

As recycling replaces religion, you'd think a Sunday trip to the bottle bank would be the right move. But how's this for a proposition: stretching this eclesiastical metaphor further, instead of having to chip in to the offertory plate, how about getting cash back on your observance?

You see almost every bottle has a deposit on it. So, if you don't bin it, you can win it. Cents make sense with two carrier bags of glass and cashing in is as simple as going to the supermarket. My first trip liberated almost 5 euros. Guess where that went? Yep. Up the wall.

So take your empties with you when you shop and head for the drinks' aisles. Nearby, if you're unlucky you'll meet a wizened dwarf with the manners of a rusty can-opener who'll snatch your bags from you, make sounds which may or may not be words then disappear before returning with a scrap of paper bearing biroed runes. You can't read this, but checkout ladies can. She'll convert it to coins or knock the total off your shopping bill. But if you're lucky you'll find a new-fangled machine into which you feed your bottles. When you've fed it everything, you hit a button to print a voucher redeemable at the check out.

Note: most supermarkets only take back bottles from brands they sell.

Yellow? Give me brown

More than friends and family, the thing I miss most about the UK is a nice pint of bitter. Everything I'd ever been served in a German bar has either been blond or black, when what I really want is a strong brunette to slip down my throat.

The English shop in Neukolln imports the likes of Old Speckled Hen and Hobgoblin, but at what cost! So I decided to get beer-curious in my best stocked local supermarket. Scanning labels for anything that contained 'Malz' (malt) I stocked up on an assortment of beers in thick brown bottles, the like of which I'd never seen in bars. I walked home heavy with anticipation.

Back in the kitchen I popped my first bottle expecting lager-flavoured (sic) disappointment. As I poured my heart almost burst with joy as my glass-half-empty skepticism was displaced by a distinctively amber-brown bevvy. I sipped. Eureka! I can die here a happy, bitter man.

Brews from left: Altenmünster, Berliner Bürgerbrau Heller Bock, Duckstein

Prost! German drinking customs Part 2

Here are a few more need-to-knows about getting merry auf deutsch.

• A strange deposit: Very often in clubs and other public places, your drink or rather its vessel, will carry what’s called a “Pfand” or deposit. Sometime this is also accompanied by a token or even just a ripped up piece of paper. What this means is when you pay for your drink, you’ll pay a Pfand on the bottle/glass, which you’ll then need to return to the bar to either reclaim or swap for another drink. Uh? Hey presto – no need for glass collectors and malingering glassware. When you’re done drinking, just return to the bar with your last bottle/glass and token and ask for “Pfand zurück bitte”.

• Dear beer: When paying a drinks bill, whatever you do when you hand over a note DO NOT say “danke”. We British are brainwashed into uttering pleasantries at every juncture, going round gobbling “thank you” “no, thank you” like turkeys. If you say “danke” then you can kiss goodbye to any change you were hoping to get from that 50. If you want to tip, then just round it up to a nice number and say “zwanzig” or whatever as you hand over your cash. If you really do want them to keep the change have in mind this phrase “Stimmt's so”. But bite your tongue on the bitte.

• Sip'n'Split: Also when paying a drinks and/or food bill you have the option of paying together or separately “zusammen oder getrennt”. You’ll frequently be asked anyway, and if not just state your preference. Unlike the UK, the waiter/ess will not look at you like you’ve asked to see photos of their mum in the bath. It’s a basic of customer service here, and best of all – they do the maths. Maybe the phrase “going Dutch” is actually a corruption of “going Deutsch”. It couldn’t be simpler here.   

Prost! German drinking customs Part 1

The Germans love their beer. Don’t let anyone blah-blah you with ‘it’s only the British that drink to get drunk’. Quatsch (rubbish). It’s only the British that drink to get drunk to start a fight. Here, beer’s available everywhere and at any time of day or night. It would seem every Germany is only seconds away from a beer; it's their yin, the Wurst their yang. So unsurprisingly, there’s a few do’s and don’ts that you need observe if you’re going to do it their way.   

• Make Löwen(brau) not war: Don’t start a fight once drunk.

• Gucken in die Augen: when there’s a toast (Prost!) be sure to look each and every person in the eye as you chink glasses/gesture your glass in their direction. And be obviou about it. You will be reviled if you don’t. Seriously! You will be told in no uncertain terms that you’ve transgressed the very laws of nature and offended every generation of their family back to the amoeba.

• Wait for it… Cheers (Prost!) is much more common and frequent here than in the UK. If the drinking’s just beginning - say first round of drinks in a bar, or everyone’s just been poured a drink at the dinner table - it’s polite to wait until everyone has a drink before you start chugging at your own bevy. I’m really, really bad at this, and have to sit on my hands rolling my eyes in mortal anguish seeing before me a drink I can’t yet drink. But wait for the inevitable “Prost!” before starting. What a pain, eh?

• Bier Bahn: Drinking in public and on public transport is fine. It’s actively encouraged (by way of preventing drink driving). It is categorically not chavy to enjoy a bottle of lager on the U-Bahn. The highest to the lowest do it. 

Viel Vergnügen! (enjoy!)